New Studies Show

BURLINGTON TOWNSHIP, NJ -- Every school has its share of popular folk legends -- the swimming pool on the roof, classes taking place in a nonexistent wing of the building, and especially teachers with peculiar quirks of behavior that students find endlessly amusing. For former students of Thomas O. Hopkins Middle School, one myth in particular predominated lunchtime banter among students of one popular ex-teacher.

Gypsum gourmet Mr. Ryan, featured in the '96 "Talon" yearbook.

Mr. Ryan eats chalk.

"My friend saw him in video production class," former student Joseph Novak reported. "[Mr. Ryan] was sitting at his desk while everyone was taking a test. My friend looked up just as he put [the chalk] in his mouth."

Another former student, speaking on condition of anonymity, claimed to have seen it firsthand. "On the first day of class, Mr. Ryan walked up to the board, grabbed a piece of chalk, and took a bite out of it before writing his name on the board. I had always heard the rumors, just like the ones about Ms. Stern having a wig, but I didn't really believe it until I saw for myself."

Every T.O.H.M.S. graduate we asked remembered a story involving gypsum gourmet Mr. Ryan, but until recently, the legend had always been just that -- a popular tale among gossiping students. After finding out that nearly everyone she knew had heard about Mr. Ryan's blackboard escapades, a student identified only as Jessica conducted a formal survey of her former classmates. As it turned out, approximately 67% of the over 70 students polled reported having seen the event firsthand, and every single respondent remembered hearing the same rumors.

These results, she concludes, confirm that Mr. Ryan did in fact eat chalk.

"It's great to finally be able to put this one to rest," Jessica laughed. "It's been so long, and I know everyone always suspected it."

Why Mr. Ryan chewed calcium comestibles remains a mystery, though a popular presumption is that he simply had gas.