Link found between low intelligence and Theism, right-wing

Right-wing pundit Bill O'Reilly.

A study recently published in Social Psychology Quarterly has revealed some interesting statistical relationships between political ideology, religious views, and IQ. Specifically the more intelligent any given individual was found to be, the less likely they were to exhibit classic right-wing political leanings or embrace religious views of any kind.

The study found that young adults self-identifying as “very liberal” had an average IQ score 11 points higher (106 to 95) than those labeling themselves as “very conservative.” Perhaps incomprehensibly, the gap was smaller, but still significant, separating those embracing agnosticism and atheism (103 IQ) over theism (97 IQ).

“Cavemen were very conservative,” suggested evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa. “Defend your family with rocks and spears; other tribes weren’t your problem...unless they were a different color than you in which case you probably had to scream a lot and hit them with large sticks or cave-brows until they died horribly. An evolutionarily novel stance is the new trend toward at least pretending to care about people other than yourself. So far, this trait is only being exhibited in the more intelligent demographic -- that is, left-leaners and the non-religious.”

Another surprising connection to intelligence was discovered in the study -- the relatively recent trend of monogamy.

“We found that men with higher intelligence scores tended toward exclusivity in relationships,” Kanazawa explained. “Not the women though, unsurprisingly. They’re just as slutty regardless of overall intelligence.”

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Tiger Woods sex tape surfaces on Internet

Less than a week after Tiger Woods apologized to the world for his lurid extramarital affairs, a sex tape featuring the notorious golfer has begun circulating around the Internet.

“To call this a public relations nightmare would be a gross understatement,” said Mark Rolfing, a Golf Channel correspondent and resident analyst. “Either one of these events would usually be enough to ruin the career of most professional athletes, especially golfers. Golf is supposed to be a gentleman's sport. There's nothing gentlemanly about what I saw on that video.”

Image from Tiger Woods Sex Tape

Tiger holds camera while his mistress mugs.

Woods and his press team have yet to make a statement regarding the tape. A source close to the family, claiming to be a long-time friend of Elin (Tiger's wife), has come forward acknowledging that the family is well aware of the video and is currently deciding how they want to handle it.

“We all thought the worst would be over after what happened on Friday, you know? But now it's like the aftershock of a massive earthquake,” the source told reporters. “I think it's safe to say we [Tiger's close friends and family] know exactly how the people in Haiti felt.”

Woods' announcement to the media on Friday was heard by an estimated 220 million people worldwide. It is unknown whether or not he will make a similar publicly televised appearance regarding the sex tape.

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University of Texas study casts leery eye on Texans' voting rights

Humans (from Texas) seemingly brain-dead.

A study performed earlier this week by the University of Texas has cast serious doubts as to the overall intelligence and sanity of the state’s inhabitants says David Prindle, a government professor at the University. Among the litany of questions asked of Texas’ considerable populace, “Did humans develop and evolve from animals?” and “Did humans and dinosaurs live at the same time?” garnered some of the most alarming answers.

“A full 51% of Texans disagreed with the premise that humanity evolved from other, preexisting species,” Prindle said. “14% weren’t sure one way or another. A full 60% either believed that yes, humans and dinosaurs lived side-by-side, or they weren’t sure if they did.

“Honestly, it makes you feel like there’s no point to facts, much less teaching them anymore.”

The study went on to survey the religious and political demographics of the state, painting a far more vivid picture that served to “drop the pieces into place” according to Prindle.

“At first I was alarmed at the data, maybe even a little scared,” explained Prindle. “Then I saw more data coming in. Okay, only 6% of respondents identified as atheist or agnostic. More than 50% said their religious beliefs were very important to them; most respondents identified as Republican. It all started to make sad, sad sense.”

The study seems to cast significant doubts not only on a majority of Texans’ mental health, but also on their right to vote.

“Should Texans be allowed to vote? It’s really hard to say,” summarized Prindle. “On the one hand, every American citizen has had the right to vote for a long time. Where do you draw the line? Is it this cutoff here, at this level of stupid, or over here at THIS level of stupid? Even the First Amendment of the Constitution, detailing the separation of church and state, would seem to suggest these are people who, legally, shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near any singular political decision.”

For more on the study, click here.

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